Hello, Anon! My views are very simple. And seriously, I do not know any responsible Dominant (male of female) who would disagree that safewording applies EVERYWHERE.
Yes, even with punishments. A person who refuses that their submissive either *has* a safe word or doesn’t allow them to use the safe word in any given situation (the thought alone is crazy: Giving a person an emergency break, but not allowing them to use it in case of emergency) is straightforwardly demonstrating abusive behavior. Simple as that.
The whole concept of kink is simple: We are human beings. We have human rights. And free will. And all we do in kink is based on this: Free will. And even if you are in a TPE dynamic, the submissive is still a human-being, therefore still has free will, and so the right to revoke consent ANY TIME. And that includes punishments. Of course it includes punishments. Why would that not include punishments?
Oh right, because (*use “domly Dom” voice here*):
“A punishment has to be unpleasant or else it wouldn’t be a punishment”, and “If a submissive agreed to receive punishments [which have to be unpleasant] then revoking this consent is against the concept of punishments”, and “If the submissive has the right to say ‘no’ to a punishment, then this will inevitably lead to making the whole dynamic optional and random”, and “If a submissive can say ‘no’ to a punishment, then they will do this to escape from it”, and “A submissive doesn’t need the right to say ‘no’, because it is the Dom’s job to decide what is good for their sub and when they have to be punished or not”,
and my ‘favourite’ “If I’d let my sub safeword during punishments that would make me a soft Dom” (OMG, how terribly, terribly fragile this ego must be).
Oh, another one of my favourites: “You don’t need a safe word. Don’t you trust me?”
Yes, I heard these “arguments”. And I agree with exactly one of them - the first one:
“A punishment has to be unpleasant (at least to a certain extent) or else it wouldn’t be a punishment.”
And yes, you have to be consistent with punishments. Breaking a (mutually agreed upon) rule has to have consequences – call them punishments if you will. Or else this all will indeed become optional and random.
No matter in which situation: A person who refuses that you are allowed to revoke consent (aka use your safe word) is irresponsible and not trustworthy at best, abusive at worst. No matter how “experienced” they claim to be.
So the rest of these claims are not only extremely dangerous bullshit, they are also claims of either very self-righteous or very insecure people – something that often comes hand in hand. And these are not qualities you want in a Dom, do you?
Every day is different, every situation is different. For both: Dom and sub. So sometimes even seemingly harmless punishments are not bearable at this very moment. So there *has* to be a way for the sub to communicate this, and to get out of a punishment - at least at this time. It is up to the Dom to postpone, change, or drop it completely - I personally do believe in consistency and so either postpone or change it, but almost never drop it.
The big fear - oh, wait… a “domly Dom” would never admit that they are afraid of something - the big annoyance for many “domly Doms” is that their subs try to escape their punishments. How would they be able to be consistent, if their sub tries to escape their (deserved) punishment?
Fact: If a submissive uses their safeword, this means either that they cannot or do not want to bear what is going on at the moment or about to come. And that can of course also happen during punishments.
If a Dom refuses to allow their sub to use their safe word this means that they not only override their partner’s explicit wish, but even willfully accept that they might harm them. They act non-consensually against their partner’s will and risk putting them into danger.
Is that a responsible person? Is that a person you can trust? A person whose judgment you trust? You decide.
A person who willfully ignores, yes, even refuses your basic human right to revoke consent any time - no matter why you refuse it (even maybe “just” because you simply do not *want* it) and so forces something onto you against your will, is what? Yes, an abusive person. Simple
Your Dom provides the guidelines that you want to follow because your Dom proved to you that they are trustworthy.
Your Dom is not “the law” that you have to follow.
You walked into this by free will (your will) and you are in there by free will (your will) and therefore you can - guess what, yes - revoke consent any time.
And in jurisdiction there are various control instances to avoid the misuse of power - there is not one single person who decides (and yes, it still happens). And if “domly Dom” acts like a dictator this only proves what? Yes, that they are showing abusive behavior.
Does it happen that a submissive tries to escape their punishment? Yes, this can happen. Is the Dom allowed to force a punishment onto them then?
No!
And again for the ones in the back row: If you force a punishment onto your submissive (and not allowing them to have or use a safe word is forcing it onto them) then you are an abusive piece of shit. Fact.
If a sub constantly safewords before or during punishments then the only reaction can be to freaking STOP and then talk about what is wrong
But you will not (again for “domly Dom” in the back row: NOT) use the form of punishment you intended to - at least not now, because safewording means one thing:“Something is wrong”. Either with your punishments or with your dynamic. So you have to re-negotiate and try to find consent. If you do not find consent then your relationship does not make sense.
Maybe sad, but surely true.
If a submissive does not accept any kind of punishment at all, and the Dom is not okay with that, then the whole relationship doesn’t make sense. Kink is to a very large extent compatibility.
That is what makes it so terribly simple and yet so freaking hard